Memoirs Of J

There is a silent killer in the US workplace today. One that has been ballooning at an alarming rate for the past decade, literally under our noses and at our fingertips while we are at the office. It is a major contributor to obesity, heart disease, and the general laziness that Americans are infamous for, yet it is one that the Occupational Health and Safety Administration (OSHA) ignores. It is the office “pot-luck.”

Pot-luck meals are becoming increasingly common in the American office. A recent study noted that, on average, a department in an office will have a pot-luck every two weeks throughout the year. This is in stark contrast to a similar study that was done in 1990 which showed a department had a pot-luck once every six months. Another finding of the study was that in 1990 pot-lucks mainly covered a lunch or “single-serving event,” while today’s pot-lucks include enough food that it encourages “reckless gorging” throughout the entire work day, and sometimes spilling over into subsequent days.

This reckless gorging, as described by Dr. Harriet Arms in her pot-luck study, is why today’s typical office worker is fat, unproductive, lazy, and is afflicted by many poor health and hygiene issues.

“What’s especially significant to me is that not only did heart disease and other obesity-related issues sharply increase, but these people suffer from more transparent hygiene issues as well, such as halitosis, very poor physical appearance, excessive sweating, body odor, and tooth decay, just to name a few,” explained Dr. Arms.

The negative afflictions that are on the rise are due to the pot-luck, according to Dr. Arms, because of the vast amount of greasy junk food that is available to all workers for free virtually all the time. “Pot-luck prevalence and the occurrence of all of the worker issues I discuss in my study are very strongly correlated. I would go as far to say that there are thousands of deaths each year caused, at least partially, by pot-luck participation.”

A local office worker, who goes only be the name of “Jen,” states that there are other problems with the constant pot-luck phenomenon. “I read Dr. Arms’ study and totally agree. But I think she overlooked some risks that I observe pretty much all the time at my office.”

Jen describes pot-lucks as “breeding grounds” for germs and bacteria on food that is left sitting out all day. According to her, it is not uncommon to see a person noshing on egg salad at 3pm that has sat out at room temperature since the early morning hours. Inevitably, these people end up in the bathroom with severe flatulence and heavy bowel movements. The odors seeping from the restrooms on pot-luck day are often strong and fowl enough to induce vomiting in even the most steel-stomached people. The paint in the restrooms at Jen’s office has been peeling for some time, alleged by her to be caused by the noxious fumes.

Likewise, Jen points out that since most office workers do not wash their hands after using the restroom, and these workers continue to graze through the chip bowls and cheese plates for the remainder of the day, one can reasonably conclude that workers are eating each other’s genital and anus germs every time they eat from the pot-luck selections.

“But it must be so common now that people just aren’t getting sick from that anymore. I mean, it’s been going on for so long that they’ve all developed some sick immunity to these dick and ass germs,” Jen notes.

She vehemently points out that she refuses to participate in pot-lucks due to the “sick” things she has witnessed. “It’s nasty; you’ll see a guy picking his nose in his cube one minute, and the next you see him with the same hand buried in the bowl of pretzels. I can’t believe more people aren’t concerned. I’ve seen communal silverware being dropped on the floor then put back into a dish without being washed first.”

Jen believes that not only is there an abundance of physical risk from eating at a pot-luck, there is mental risk as well. She feels Dr. Arms did not address the emotional or mental side of the pot-luck issue in her study, and that another official study must be performed to look at all risks as a whole.

“There’s a lot of pressure on office workers to participate. If they do not bring an acceptably gluttonous dish to pass, they’re shunned, talked about,” explains Jen. “Gone are the days when you can bring a simple bunch of bananas. Now people are expected to prepare a giant tub of Swedish Meatballs or some other disgusting, fattening dish. Everyone is basically expected to bring enough servings for everyone else. So everyone is bringing 20, 30 servings worth of food, which means you’re left with 400 to 900 servings of food for 20 or 30 people.”

Jen makes it clear that the pressure to perform affects workplace performance. Workers are too busy worrying about what to bring, typically worrying and planning for up to one week in advance of a pot-luck. She notes performance also suffers due to the distraction of food sitting out all day. “The noises from people socializing, the laughing, the farting, the downright disgusting odors. It all annoys people who legitimately attempt to complete work.

Jen continues, “Furthermore, if you don’t eat heartily at these [potlucks], you are shunned and accused of being antisocial. If you are not overweight and a pig, you are an outcast. Literally. I’m a smaller woman and I do not like most foods, and I’m criticized heavily whenever a pot-luck is going on. There are others like me, few, but some. We experience a lot of anguish and anxiety over these things. I’m sick of people coming up to me and whining ‘No wonder you’re so skinny; you don’t eat.’ I assure you I eat, just not constantly.”

Despite all of the risks associated with office pot-lucks as outlined by Dr. Arms’ study as well as from unofficial accounts by workers like Jen, there is no legal ground to ban these events. Likewise, corporations are unwilling to set policy due to the potential backlash that could occur from disgruntled employees.

That leaves the responsibility on office workers to familiarize themselves with these risks and to make informed decisions next time they are tempted by vast layouts of food at their offices. If you are an office worker, take a look in the mirror. Sniff your arm pits. Step on a scale. If the results aren’t desirable, you may be one of the victims of the office pot-luck.

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