Memoirs Of J

People keep asking me when we’re having another kid.  My default response is to laugh incredulously, then tell the person asking that he/she is effing nuts.  But all this questioning has really got me thinking – do I ever actually want another baby?

I kind of always assumed that I would have two eventually,  even though I always told people I only wanted one kid…but then again I also envisioned having a boy & was more or less OK with a boy being an only child.  Not sure why having a daughter makes me less inclined to want an only child…  I’m confusing, yes.

On one hand, I love my little J bug so much that I can’t really imagine another one because how could I possibly be this enamored with another kid?  It’s almost like I’d be betraying her, sort of.  But on the other hand, I’ve known some ‘only children’ and they were just strange individuals.  Having siblings to play with and bond with is a good thing, no doubt about it.

But then again, the whole infant thing is very stressful – night wakings, basically 24-7 attention demands, and being pretty much confined home because it’s just difficult to take a baby anywhere.  I mean with J, I was always concerned with her feeding schedule because I breastfed her, and not that I was embarrassed or anything like that, I just didn’t like the prospect of whipping my boobs out in the mall or a restaurant or something.

Oh then there would be the whole expense of multiple kids.  The expense is worth it, for sure, but I don’t know how people can have kid upon kid without going broke.  Daycare is ridiculous, and we intend to pay for college (which will be even more obscene).

I don’t know…  just pondering lately.  I’m not even sure what I want, or even what C thinks at this point.  And I don’t think either of us is in much of a hurry to figure it out!

I think men are selectively blind when it comes to clutter or messes.  A minority of women are too, sure (I’ve lived with some), but probably 94% of all men are.  Don’t ask me for sourcing on that statistic as it’s just an OMA (outta my ass) number , but I’d bet that it’s scarily accurate.  And hey, if I – el cheapo – put money on something, you know I’m very confident.

Like, ok, say you – a woman -are toiling away wiping counters and putting dirty dishes into the dishwasher.  You aren’t hiding or being conspicuous in any way.  You may even be angrily tossing silverware into the tray, who knows.  All household occupants see you doing this.  You finish cleaning up, close the dishwasher without starting it because it isn’t full, and start taking care of other things (sweeping the floor or some such chore).  A man walks in, places a dish or a cup ON THE COUNTER, and walks away.  What the hell?!?!  Hello?  Am I working in an alternate dimension or something?  I don’t get it.

Or maybe the trash is full to the brim.  A woman typically does not allow it to fill to the brim.  She’ll change it out before it becomes a pain in the ass to lift the bag out without spilling shit all over the floor, or if it stinks at all no matter how full or empty it is.  A man will continue to delicately balance more trash on top.  It could smell like a rotting skunk carcass – it doesn’t matter.  The most effort you will get out of a man is he’ll try to push already pluming trash mountain down further, which does nothing but exacerbate the woman’s frustration later when she is the one who has to wrestle that shit out of the bin with it ripping  open and spilling everywhere.

Once in awhile, a woman may, against her own best interests, get fed up and try to leave the dirty dishes reeking on the counter, or the trash full with no room to throw more trash in.  She does this in hopes of making the man notice what she does (that dishes don’t float themselves to and from the dishwasher, for instance), and that a little help in simply keeping an already clean house tidy is appreciated.  Not to clean it, but just to NOT DIRTY it up!!  This tactic works exactly zero percent of the time.

I really think that heterosexual men who live alone must be sitting in squalid filth, trash on the floor, no clean dish in the house to speak of.  Their toilet has probably never been sanitized – ever.  You’d be lucky if you only saw a couple  brown stains festering on the toilet rim.  And the worst part is that they probably don’t even realize that their place is a sty!

Today I was a little bored and day-dreamy, so was reflecting upon my- shall I say – overall negative judgments when it comes to certain people.  Most people some of the time, I should clarify.  And sadly some people all of the time, but that’s reserved for the dumbest of the dumb (Mistletoe).

Specifically what started me on this thought (other than utter boredom) was Mistletoe.  He’s such a clueless bumbling idiot, doing things that make no sense to any sane and rational person.  Of course, I’m the first to call him out on it (and equally obvious, not to his face but instead to everyone else around me because I’m P.A. like that), declaring his transparent intent and how he must think we’re all stupid.  I mean the games he plays are so juvenile that no one could possibly be fooled.  Might want to up the sophistication just a tad if you really want people to believe your lies, you know?

So anyway, I got on the track of thinking about my negative thoughts of him (deservedly so, but negative nonetheless) and noted that I at least occasionally have what one might consider a negative judgment about most everyone I know! I guess this is only natural, I mean you are never going to agree 100% with everyone you know on every topic.  That would make things really boring.

But then sometimes an issue or argument will come up that leaves you incredulously thinking “what the fuck are you thinking?” in response to something the person does or says.  It really leaves you wondering on what information they are basing their stance or actions.  And this is where the judgments come into play.

I’ll find myself thinking “are you a fucking idiot?” or, “did you receive even a cursory elementary education?”, or maybe even “your opinion is so stupid that it makes me wonder if you are clinically delusional.”  These are just a few examples of the meanest; I seem to temper myself much more when the other person is a friend or family member or someone I otherwise care about.  Mistletoe?  Well no so much.

Eventually today, I came to the obvious realization that if I always have a reason for my opinions and actions,  then so does everyone else.  These two perspectives may be in conflict.  So if I’m having the reactions I have, it makes me wonder what they’re thinking about me when I say or do something they don’t agree with.

I really want to know.  I’m way too curious but I know that there’s no way to get it out of people because people tend to be extremely passive aggressive with others.  It’s driving me batty – everyone I know talks to me about other people, so you have to assume that most of them are talking to other people about me too.  Everyone is blabbing about everyone else, passing judgments.

I’m too curious for my own good sometimes, but I think finding out the answer to this question is my next project.

I’m so sick of fake- titted, Hollister-wearing, bleach haired, anorexic, fake eye-lashed, binge-drinking young “women.”  Living near a college town is wonderful if you’re a horny old perv or a frat boy.  These girls will put out after the first free 7&7.  But for me, I puke at the sight of them strutting around in their gaggles of skanks at the mall.  The reason this is relevant now is that – gag- it’s holiday season so crunch time is on to finish up the shopping.

Yes, I could shop mostly, or even exclusively, online, thereby avoiding the crowds and hookeresque girls at the mall.  I’m trying to be realistic though.   I’m a procrastinator.  I have yet to purchase a single gift and it is 12/02.  If the past is any indication, I won’t feel compelled to act on the need to shop until at least another two weeks.

And when I start, I will start slowly.  It’s almost as if I resist as long as possible in hopes of holding onto my denial of the most stressful time of year (no, it’s not classified as this because of gifts; think more along the lines of family-related stresses, guilt, and so forth).

So a gift will be purchased on a casual outing.  Maybe a couple more will trickle in.  These gifts will be purchased online – most likely amazon.com.   But we’ll get down to the wire and I’ll realize that I’m only about 50% finished and in need of at least one more gift for each loved one.  Stress and panic will set in, and in sheer desperation I’ll go to the mall the weekend before Christmas because at this point it just isn’t practical to purchase online – way too late in the game.

Not only will there be zero parking, leaving me circling the parking lots, following shoppers exiting the building like a vulture, but once I actually get inside I’ll be gasping for air while suffocating in the hoards of equally frazzled shoppers.  Add mile-long lines, obnoxiously blaring Christmas tunes, noise in general, hell, just people in general….

Having to contend with sorostitutes sauntering around the M.A.C. counter on top of all this is just not fair.  That’s all.