Memoirs Of J

Someone at work told me that toilet training for girls is “harder” than toilet training for boys.  I gave it no thought because I assumed that either boy or girl, the kid would catch on quickly because-let’s face it- who wants shit all mushed up in their ass, right?

Well J was doing pretty well with it a couple of weeks ago.  She told me she had to go potty regularly.  Too regularly, even.  She was asking to sit on the pot several times an hour, so maybe she thought it was liberating being diaperless.  Either that, or she was just amused by watching me hop around like a crack monkey cheering and clapping every time I heard the slightest piddle come out of her.  But at least she was going most of the time, and at the very least she was (I thought) understanding what you are supposed to do on a toilet.

Well the last couple of weeks she has totally regressed.  No asking to go to the bathroom, and an adamant “NO!” when asked if she needs to go potty.  Instead, she craps herself a horrifying mess in her pants then saunters over to me bow-legged with a concerned expression to tell me “I pooooooped.”

I nearly vomit trying to wipe the huge sticky mass out of her butt as she’s squirming all over giggling.  I think she’s just screwing with me and likes to watch me try to hold back my gags while exclaiming “oh my god! oh my god, Julia!”  It’s much worse with a near 3-year-old than it was with an infant.  Infants lie there cooperating with the butt wiping, or at least if they don’t lie still they weigh nothing and are quite easy to keep in position.  It’s a lot different with a rambunctious 3 year old writhing everywhere laughing and kicking you in the face.

Last week, an entire turd rolled out of her diaper when I opened it because of her squirms.  A turd rolled right onto her bed, grazed my BARE HAND, and left a faint brown streak on her blue star sheet.  So now there’s a comet of shit on her sheet, and I’m freaking out because of touching a piece of crap while she’s screeching “OH NO! OH NO!” at the brown ball under her leg.

So I hope she gets back on track soon.

Here’s some evidence to support my assertion that ignorance is “cool.”  I don’t even know how I would really characterize or define this culture except to say acting educated is viewed unfavorably, acting “white” is viewed unfavorably (even if you are white), and where incarceration, unemployment, welfare / food stamps, and drugs are just accepted as the norm.  This isn’t about race or politics.  I’m not saying “oh it’s the blacks” like right-wing pundits tend to do because I think there may actually be more whites acting like this, nor am I saying this is the result of “liberal” political policies because I don’t believe it stems from any social policy whatsoever (plus… I’m a liberal myself and we actually like education and responsibility quite a bit).

No, I don’t think it has anything to do with anything other than the fact that, frankly, many people are idiots and would prefer to impress other idiots rather than – I don’t know – impress an employer or something.  It’s just like this really weird, incomprehensible subculture that nobody on the outside can even begin to understand.  I mean it’s almost like you have to try – really, really hard – to act this ignorant.   That said, enjoy these gems of hope for the future:

These are all by separate people….er, I mean “peeps.”

Particularly egregious is when you hear someone say, “oh, that’s how he do it!”  Or something like, “that’s what she do!”  I hear something along those lines pretty much on a daily basis.  Learn how to conjugate.  That is all.