Memoirs Of J

I think I figured out what’s wrong with ‘conservatives’ (I use that term synonymously with republican for purposes of this post) – they think they’re better than everyone else and that their way of life is superior to all others.  Not a Christian?  Well you need to convert because that’s the only correct way.  Their opinions are rooted in their religious belief, yet the feel the need to smother the rest of us with their ‘correct’ views.  Conservatives are on the offensive, and liberals, like myself, are on the defensive.  They tout freedom and liberty,  and small government principles.  However, they have no qualms with growing the government for the purpose of enforcing and legislating their beliefs and ‘morality.’

Well, wait a minute here.  As a liberal, I don’t want to push any beliefs on anyone.  For example, it’s none of my business if homosexuals want to marry – it’s their life.  My view of what makes a good family really doesn’t matter to anyone but me.  Conservatives are ramming their take on proper ‘family values’ down the throats of everyone else in the county, a one-size-fits-all, theocratic, white, 50’s throwback.  If that’s your value, great.  Live your life like that.  Make your wife submissive, keep her home cleaning and raising your kids.  Drag your family to church every Sunday where you’ll judge everyone else and make small talk and meet your mistress who you’ll fuck in your self-righteous bed when your wife is at the kid’s soccer game while you ‘catch up on work.’

But don’t sanctimoniously rally for legislating your superior morality and ‘Christian principles’ because we’re not all  like you.  It’s totally incongruous to tout freedom and liberty and keeping government small in one breath, then cling to your disgusting social views.  Not even  cling to them exactly – but try to hold yours up on a pedestal while decrying the way others see fit to live their own lives.

So that is the difference.  We as liberals are simply fighting to defend the individual’s right to his or her own pursuit of happiness, including sexuality and what a person chooses to do with her own body.  Conservatives are fighting to preserve their own ways and prevent you from having your way.  But our preferences and lifestyles as humans aren’t mutually exclusive… You just have to have the ability to accept that and worry about yourself.

While sitting at a stop light today on my way to Kroger, I observed a car full of teen girls laughing at and (apparently) taunting an older guy in the car next to them.  They were clearly laughing and pointing / beckoning.  Granted, the dude looked like he was picking his nose, but still…

Whenever I see this sort of thing I get this sickening feeling of … I don’t know how to describe it.  Dread and anxiety I guess, plus a total lack of confidence.  It swiftly and violently takes me back to that abyss of misery when I was that age and was constantly harassed and laughed at by ‘popular’ peers – peers who were ‘cool’ when making fun of others – and I hate that it still affects me this way.

Worse, I don’t feel at all vindicated knowing that most of the people who harassed me are now largely uneducated, obese, and working a mcjob®.  Some aren’t (look, I’ll admit it.  I have stalked people on facebook), but most don’t have a Bachelors degree, let alone a Masters.  It’s just got this fucking death grip on my psyche that I can’t seem to shake no matter what I do.  Despite my academic achievements, great job, awesome husband and lovely little girl, fantastic family and friends, and the aide of zoloft, I am still afflicted by this bullshit.  Not all the time, but enough that it bothers me.  I should be able to rationally and logically stop this, but can’t.  It’s funny how emotions are the dominating force in most people, even over thought and rationality.  And I’m not just saying that based on my personal experience.  There’s broader evidence such as religious belief but … that’s all a subject for another day since it’s getting late and I’m tired.

Today it occurred to me that not only did I never attend a school dance (middle or high school) other than prom, I also never attended a football game.  Do I like dances or football?  No, but that’s not the point.  The point is I completely missed out on any normal high school experience, all because I was / am hideous and looked like, to quote someone, “dog shit.”

So there you have it.  This is what happens when I attempt to abandon my zoloft.

PS – I am not exaggerating.  It is a fact that I attended zero games and zero dances, other than prom which only happened because a friend felt sorry for me and asked me to go with him.