Memoirs Of J

I love being a non-priority.  Seems like it’s been this way my entire life so isn’t going to change.  There are some people everyone loves and cares about, and some that no one does and I fall into the latter category.  An after thought, a convenience, yes, but a priority, no.  Admit it anyone who cares to read this blog *insert the sound of a thousand crickets chirping* – do you ever actually have a modicum of desire to spend any quality time with me?  Out of sight, out of mind.  Speaking of, I’m so fucking sick of people with their goddamn cell phones.  Put your fucking phone down when you are out with someone – dinner or like anytime you should actually be interacting with the person you are physically with.  People are tethered to their phones and it really is making me pissed.  The other day I was in a waiting room and observed that people can’t sit for 1 minute before whipping out their phone and wasting more time on probably fucking Angry Birds rather than – oh I don’t know – like absorb the actual world around them.  Like even at my kid’s dentist office a couple weeks ago.  Mothers whipping out their phones IMMEDIATELY.  Can’t you interact with your child for 10 minutes before being called out of the waiting room? Ask your kid how their day at school was?  Appreciate nature or people around you – I don’t know.  Fucking anything at all.  You don’t need to fish your phone out literally every time you sit down.  Why not try – oh say – interacting with your friends and loved ones?  Listen to what they say, act like you care?  Anything?  Sit idly and just think, even.  At work, people can’t even walk down the hall without phone in hand, head down.  I’m so sick of it.  It’s like people care to interact with their electronics more than ACTUAL FUCKING PEOPLE.

I wish I could become an electronic device for a day then maybe people would feel they couldn’t live without me.  At this point, I’d rather pay money to live computer/phone-free for a week than actually go on a vacation where phones /laptops were available.  I literally get less attention than the average cell phone.

Well, OK, admittedly I’m using the term “toxic” very loosely.   I obviously can’t make a claim that mayonnaise is a legit poison, but as far as I’m concerned it’s just as repulsive, if not more so.  I have always kind of presumed / imagined that mayo must have been invented long ago before the days of refrigeration as a means to mask rancid food.  Gloss some rancid food with this pus-like substance and now your food tastes like eggs and fat and … pus.  Well, what I imagine pus would taste like.  These substances already share a texture and appearance, so why not taste too?

To be completely honest, I’ve never actually consumed much mayo quantity-wise in my entire life.  The extent of my (accidental) consumption is biting into a sandwich on a few different occasions only to discover a nasty little surprise lurking on my bun.  I’d estimate the cumulative total of mayo or mayo-like substitutions (miracle whip, pimple innards, smegma, and the like) I’ve ingested is less than one tablespoon.  Ever.  But these occasions have been harrowing and nauseating to the point that I cannot simply order a sandwich without experiencing anxiety about receiving food generously smeared in mayo/smegma.

I hurriedly flip up my bun before the waitress departs, or hastily unwrap my sandwich before pulling away from a drive-thru.  If ordering inside, I put a lot of effort into trying to view the food prep line to see if the nasty mayo-smearer thing is brandished. Sometimes I can tell if a wrapped sandwich is contaminated just by the weight.  If I think it’s too heavy, I freak out.

People think I overreact to the presence of mayo.  Some people seem to think you can simply replace the bun with a dry bun (for example) and call it good.  This isn’t at all true.  Mayo permeates every part of everything it touches.  If you get a turkey sandwich and mayo is applied to the bun, you cannot just remove the top bun and stick a new one on top.  That mayo has leaked into all crevices of your remaining sandwich contents.  The turkey is ruined.  The lettuce is most definitely ruined (having been in likely direct contact with the mayo).  The wrapper is ruined.  No – if a place screws up and applies mayo to the food when they should not have, no part of that food is salvageable.

I’ve seen mayo fingerprints on a ‘corrected’ order before.  Like the sloppy person can’t even be bothered to refrain from sticking his thumb directly into the mayo just prior to handling the bun or other sandwich contents.  Ooh, ooh and here’s another peeve.  I go to Subway and run the risk of my sandwich being prepared on a surface covered in mayo.  I mean I can’t even describe how much I cringe when the obese person ahead of me goes “Yeah go ahead and put some mayo on it.  No, more than that. A little more.  Just a couple more squirts.  OK, that’s good.”  Then the intelligent worker uses the knife to compress the contents and slice the sub before wrapping up that oozing mess of a meal.  The knife that’s now visibly glossed with mayo, and my sandwich is next.  Awesome.