While sitting at a stop light today on my way to Kroger, I observed a car full of teen girls laughing at and (apparently) taunting an older guy in the car next to them. They were clearly laughing and pointing / beckoning. Granted, the dude looked like he was picking his nose, but still…
Whenever I see this sort of thing I get this sickening feeling of … I don’t know how to describe it. Dread and anxiety I guess, plus a total lack of confidence. It swiftly and violently takes me back to that abyss of misery when I was that age and was constantly harassed and laughed at by ‘popular’ peers – peers who were ‘cool’ when making fun of others – and I hate that it still affects me this way.
Worse, I don’t feel at all vindicated knowing that most of the people who harassed me are now largely uneducated, obese, and working a mcjob®. Some aren’t (look, I’ll admit it. I have stalked people on facebook), but most don’t have a Bachelors degree, let alone a Masters. It’s just got this fucking death grip on my psyche that I can’t seem to shake no matter what I do. Despite my academic achievements, great job, awesome husband and lovely little girl, fantastic family and friends, and the aide of zoloft, I am still afflicted by this bullshit. Not all the time, but enough that it bothers me. I should be able to rationally and logically stop this, but can’t. It’s funny how emotions are the dominating force in most people, even over thought and rationality. And I’m not just saying that based on my personal experience. There’s broader evidence such as religious belief but … that’s all a subject for another day since it’s getting late and I’m tired.
July 14th, 2011 at 13:53
It’s funny. I read your blogs and (cheesy as this sounds) it’s almost as though you read my mind. You and I are two completely different people but it appears, we’ve shared some of the same types of horrifying events. The difference is – instead of feeling anxiety when I witness such events, I get angry and return in kind. Had I seen these girls picking on someone, I probably would have then done some annoying likeness of them. Childish, I know, but that’s my escape. I think everyday that maybe I will wake up and not feel like the hideously ugly disgusting loser that all the “cool” people in high school saw me as. Everyday I think that I am still that girl. It sucks.