Well, OK, admittedly I’m using the term “toxic” very loosely. I obviously can’t make a claim that mayonnaise is a legit poison, but as far as I’m concerned it’s just as repulsive, if not more so. I have always kind of presumed / imagined that mayo must have been invented long ago before the days of refrigeration as a means to mask rancid food. Gloss some rancid food with this pus-like substance and now your food tastes like eggs and fat and … pus. Well, what I imagine pus would taste like. These substances already share a texture and appearance, so why not taste too?
To be completely honest, I’ve never actually consumed much mayo quantity-wise in my entire life. The extent of my (accidental) consumption is biting into a sandwich on a few different occasions only to discover a nasty little surprise lurking on my bun. I’d estimate the cumulative total of mayo or mayo-like substitutions (miracle whip, pimple innards, smegma, and the like) I’ve ingested is less than one tablespoon. Ever. But these occasions have been harrowing and nauseating to the point that I cannot simply order a sandwich without experiencing anxiety about receiving food generously smeared in mayo/smegma.
I hurriedly flip up my bun before the waitress departs, or hastily unwrap my sandwich before pulling away from a drive-thru. If ordering inside, I put a lot of effort into trying to view the food prep line to see if the nasty mayo-smearer thing is brandished. Sometimes I can tell if a wrapped sandwich is contaminated just by the weight. If I think it’s too heavy, I freak out.
People think I overreact to the presence of mayo. Some people seem to think you can simply replace the bun with a dry bun (for example) and call it good. This isn’t at all true. Mayo permeates every part of everything it touches. If you get a turkey sandwich and mayo is applied to the bun, you cannot just remove the top bun and stick a new one on top. That mayo has leaked into all crevices of your remaining sandwich contents. The turkey is ruined. The lettuce is most definitely ruined (having been in likely direct contact with the mayo). The wrapper is ruined. No – if a place screws up and applies mayo to the food when they should not have, no part of that food is salvageable.
I’ve seen mayo fingerprints on a ‘corrected’ order before. Like the sloppy person can’t even be bothered to refrain from sticking his thumb directly into the mayo just prior to handling the bun or other sandwich contents. Ooh, ooh and here’s another peeve. I go to Subway and run the risk of my sandwich being prepared on a surface covered in mayo. I mean I can’t even describe how much I cringe when the obese person ahead of me goes “Yeah go ahead and put some mayo on it. No, more than that. A little more. Just a couple more squirts. OK, that’s good.” Then the intelligent worker uses the knife to compress the contents and slice the sub before wrapping up that oozing mess of a meal. The knife that’s now visibly glossed with mayo, and my sandwich is next. Awesome.
