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Well, it’s been too long again.  I’m bad – what can I say.  The only times I feel like writing or that I actually – I don’t know – have a topic, it is approximately 2am and I am enveloped in an unrelenting insomnia.  That and three fluffy actual blankets and it is too cold to drag my ass out of bed.

So…  updates.  Yeah.  I’m still in martial arts.  Orange belt now and looking to advance to green by month end, which will mean moving to the intermediate class and getting more sparring opportunity.  That will be fun.  I’m glad I decided to do this.  Yeah it’s a little expensive, a little time consuming, but something I’ve always really wanted to do but was always too… scared to do for some reason.

Scared of martial arts, specifically?  Oh no, no.  Scared of doing essentially anything.  Never in my life have I felt I could/should participate in a sport or any other activity in which I was remotely interested.  Doubts of ability, social acceptance, assuming I’d make a fool of self, and a myriad other ridiculous thoughts.  I mean, sure, some of my doubts were most likely true but I’ve missed out.  Quit band, played like one softball game, wanted to play basketball, run track, tennis, soccer, anything, but didn’t. And this continues to plague me today.  Only now I can admit it isn’t ability I’m lacking, most of the time.  Instead, it’s the lack of social acceptance that keeps me away.  Sadly, I still struggle to get over this.

I’ve been reading a lot online lately (mostly reddit, don’t judge) and I cannot decipher if it’s my doubts that created and now perpetuate a negative cycle or that if my doubts are the result of – um – I’ll just call it “the issue,” and that I’m justified, but  allow it to feed the cycle.  I don’t know.


Posted on January 6th 2015 in Journal

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