Memoirs Of J

Despite a time of recession where most corporate employees are overloaded by picking up the slack amid downsizing, some useless office workers are finding creative and unique ways to spend their time at work. Dippy Thibs, who is paid a respectable salary to perform menial tasks and paper-shuffling for 8-10 hours per day, recently decided that she had too much free time at work and therefore needed to find activities to fill her day.

Thibs took to coupon clipping and bargain hunting like “a fly seeks shit,” according to her coworker, C. “Dynamite” Barn. Barn, who prefers to be addressed as Dynamite, explained that it is normal for Thibs to spend upwards of seven hours during the “work” day plotting her shopping routes and ravenously searching ads that offer mere pennies off.

“She’ll go 30 miles out of her way to save ten cents on a pack of tampons. I mean, I realize that she must go through a lot of tampons because she does have a really heavy flow, but doesn’t she spend more in gas driving 60 miles to save a dime?” When asked why she knows the particulars of Thibs’s menstrual flow, Dynamite explained that Thibs is “very open- far, far too open” with her work family.

As odd as it seems, this is not an uncommon phenomenon in workplaces today. Dynamite and other office employees describe a workday filled with bargain hunting, novel reading, sleeping, sipping Jagermeister from a flask, girl scouting, evangelizing, fantasy sports, excessive smoking, violent bowel-purging in the name of weight loss, and scrapbooking.

“Yeah, it’s kind of unbelievable,” says “Jen,” an employee who did not want to reveal her real name. “My least favorite is the bathroom stuff. Some people seem to make a sport out of seeing how quickly they can clog the toilets and fill the restrooms with noxious, lingering, gag-inducing fumes.”

Sadly, companies turn a blind eye to the rampant time-wasting; therefore nothing is being done about it. Dynamite and “Jen” expressed discontent but admit that it is unlikely that things will ever change. “People will always be lame, entitled slackers expecting the rest of us to do their work while they gobble up the credit. I just try to get through the day with minimal irritation,” explains “Jen”.

The company that Dynamite and “Jen” work for declined to comment, but recommended that any disgruntled worker seek help through the company-sponsored employee assistance program, where one phone call and up to four face-to-face counseling sessions are laughably anticipated to solve deep-rooted emotional issues.