Memoirs Of J

I hate coffee drinkers.  Let me rephrase that – I hate whole drawn-out performance that a coffee drinker invariably repeats each morning, so I hate coffee drinkers WHILE they are procuring their morning brew.  At other times I’m sure they’re upstanding citizens.

Each morning at work, all I want to do is get my glass of ice water while my laptop is booting up.  The ice maker is located inconveniently beneath the damn coffee pot.  If I enter the break-room and there is not someone standing idly there, well I check the calendar because it must be a Saturday.

Here are some tips, coffee drinkers.

1. The coffee will not brew faster if you stand in front of it staring longingly.  Push the button and come back in 5 minutes.
2. If you must add sugar / cream /honey / other additives to make it not taste like the percolated raccoon piss that it is, please take your cup and shuffle to the side so you are not blocking the coffee pot, ice, refrigerator, sink, cups, and anything else useful in the break-room that might be accessed by others.
3. It does not take 10 minutes to prepare a new pot for brewing.  I used to work in a restaurant with a very similar commercial coffee maker, so even though I never drink coffee I certainly know how to make it.  Open the pack, pour in the filter, put filter holder into the machines, press button, and walk away.  This should take 2 minutes, tops.
4. Brown is regular, orange is decaf.  This is common knowledge.  Don’t stand there motionless, acting confused.
5. If you use all but a drop of coffee, you should probably start a new pot (unless you are going to take 1/2 hour to do so).  Don’t be an ass.  I don’t even drink it, but when I see this happening I still get pissed.