I hate flying. Most of the time when people say that, you assume they are afraid of crashing or terrorism or something. While I will admit that this is always in the far back corner of my mind, that’s not ultimately why I hate flying.
I’ve given this quite a bit of thought. Why do I hate flying so much? Why does it cause me so much anxiety, frustration, annoyance, and dread? I juggled around a few ideas as being the root cause. One obvious cause might be aversion to being tightly tucked into a seat the size of a matchbox, sandwiched between a window greasy with a former passenger’s zit pus and an obese person whose leg rolls migrate under the arm rest (toothpick) right into your lap. I swear sometimes I feel there’s a chance of being accidentally impregnated by some plump stranger just by being in an airplane.
Another reason to hate flying might be hassles of both security and check-in / bag check, waiting in eternal lines only to eventually get the pleasure of interacting with asshole or bitch employees who’ll do anything to condescendingly let it be known that you are a huge inconvenience.
While claustrophobia and interacting with assholes in general are both very tempting conclusions to my dilemma, I decided that neither is the worst part of the air transit experience. Instead, while sitting on the tarmac waiting to disembark earlier this week it occurred to me that I hate flying because of other passengers! Passengers who may very well be fine outside of an airplane, but once placed inside the flying tin can, watch out – they turn into inconsiderate, invasive, disgusting bastards!
Never mind the sandwiching between fat people for a second. It actually gets worse. For example, on my most recent flight there was a passenger seated directly behind me chomping, popping, and slurping on a huge moist wad of gum (or cud, more likely). Mental invasion (being subjected to four hours of listening to gum smacking) is far worse than physical invasion (someone’s cellulite touching you).
obnoxious gum bitch
On this same flight, there was another passenger located SEVERAL rows back from where I was seated, yet I could hear her as though she were screaming into my ear with a bullhorn. I guess the person she was talking to could have either been located in the baggage hold, or else completely deaf. If neither situation applies, well then she was just too damn loud. I think it must be some sort of narcissistic complex that makes people behave this way, thinking everyone else within a mile radius is interested in what they have to say.
oblivious, inconsiderate, eardrum-piercing bitch
So there you have it. I strongly prefer travel by auto if at all possible or practical.
