Memoirs Of J

Despite having the same close friends for several years now, I’ve never been able to convince them of the legitimacy of my self-esteem “problems.”  I put that in quotes because I don’t see it as a problem – it’s just a fact for me.  My friends think it is a figment of my imagination, and that I may actually be delusional.  Fear not, I am not deluded.  Here’s one of the many background stories to help explain where I’m  coming from.  Yes, it is pathetic that 23 years later I’m  still hung up on some of these events, but it doesn’t invalidate their effects nevertheless.

When I was in 4th grade, I was having a pretty rough time.  New school, leaving all my friends, and parents divorcing is enough stress on anyone, especially a young child.  But for me, these things were just the beginning of my problems.  Kind of like the nibble before the appetizer before the main meal.  ‘How can it be worse and more overwhelming than that?’, you may wonder.

Well, right off the bat in my new school I wasn’t very popular.  I wasn’t used to this, coming from a school where I was friends with everyone in my class and wasn’t particularly shy about approaching other kids.  But here it was different – the kids were already in cliques, even at such a young age.  And I guess I didn’t have what it takes to be part of a clique.  So what happened is I sat alone at lunch, didn’t have anyone to partner with for grouping  tasks in the classroom (until the teacher paired the lone rejects left out by everyone else), and sat alone on the gym equipment at recess desperately longing for the bell to ring and for the loneliness to be over.

Sure, loneliness and not having anyone to hang out with is bad, but it isn’t that bad to destroy your self-image and set you up for shaken self-confidence well into your adult life.  No, it takes a bit more than that.  Sadly, I have more.

Where to start…  how about when the girls sitting behind me would laugh to each other about how “Jenny has bugs in her hair.”  I didn’t have bugs in my hair of course, but how do you react to something like that?  How about the time when it was my turn to bring in birthday desserts and the same clique didn’t want to eat them because “Jenny touched them and she’s gross.”

Oh and here’s my favorite.  How about the time on the bus for a field trip, driving by a farm / pasture in the spring (yep, a very strong manure odor) and the same girls exclaiming “EEEW Jenny, close your legs!”

I still remember the worst offender’s names – Susie, Leah, and Molly.  Fucking bitches who had nothing better to do than terrorize a new kid in the class.  I wonder what they’re doing now?  Probably nothing impressive.  I’d be surprised if any of them actually went to college.

But Fuck Them.  Why have these three little skanks affected my life so as to destroy my confidence, making me always question myself and the motives of others.  Honestly, it’s only recently (within the last few years) improved so that I am not completely overrun by the damage done.  I’m still overrun, just not completely.  There’s always something there disintegrating my confidence and self-esteem in some way.   Still, even now.  And that tiny something  still has a butterfly effect on every aspect of my life – my college experience, my job, everything.