Memoirs Of J

I wouldn’t go back to middle school or high school if you gave me a million dollars.  No way.  But if I could telepathically transmit some messages to my teen self from the relative safety of the present, that would be splendid.  Here’s my top 6 pieces of advice to my 13 – 19 year-old self.

1. Wear your retainer!  Yes, it’s a pain in the ass to clean and it stinks.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable and annoying.  But guess what else is uncomfortable and annoying?  Yep, having chicklet buck and over-sized teeth for the rest of your life (right, the retainer does nothing for the size but at least it will keep them from busting out from behind your under-sized top lip)!
2. Don’t let these losers walk all over you.  Stand up for yourself; you’re doing a piss poor job.  For example, remember that whore Michelle H in history class who dropped her pencil and said “hey girl, pick that up” with that shit-eating smirk on her face, airing her “superiority?”  And you actually did pick it up?  What the F, girl!?  A proper do-over would be to tell her to f-ck herself, then summarily kick it across the room.
3. Stop worrying so much about so many trivial things; everything will turn out fine.  Having a panic attack all night over whether there will be an open seat on the school bus in the morning is utterly confounding.  Stop.
4. Put on a little makeup and at least try to do something with your hair.  I know you don’ t have much to work with, but still…  make an attempt.
5. The fashion faux-pas you are making right now will embarrass you later (you are appearing in photos, no?).  Avoid wearing:   Skidz(tm), stirrup pants, penny loafers,  oversized t-shirts tucked into penny-rolled jeans, suspenders, or anything adorned with NKOTB pictures or song lyrics.
6. About 90% of these people will graduate from high school and… well that’s just it.  Nothing.  They’ll be uneducated and overweight in 15 years.  In other words, they’ll be republicans.