Memoirs Of J

I’m sitting here watching Coming to America in hopes that it will help me relax.  There’s nothing better than hearing Eddie Murphy’s “Zamundan” accent while gawking at his acid-washed-too-tight-in-the-crotch jeans.  True to the spirit of the late 80’s, no doubt.

I’ve been feeling all frazzled and exhausted the last several days.  Why?   Well, potty training this kid is no picnic.  Last week I decided to throw all caution to the wind and allow her to wear her big girl undies freely around the house.  No diapers, no pull-ups.  Just a thin sheath of princess-printed cotton to protect my floors and furniture from her urine and feces.

I have to say, I’ve been pleasantly surprised for the most part.  She’s been pretty good about letting me know she’s got to pee and has mostly been able to stay dry, save a handful of accidents.  The problem is pooping.  She is totally averse to pooping in a toilet.  She’ll tell me she’s got to go, sit on the toilet for, oh, 20 minutes farting before she decides she doesn’t actually need to go.  I, being sick of sitting on the ledge of the bathtub watching (and smelling) her fart for 20 minutes, allow her to put her pants back on and leave the restroom.

Well what do you know – within several minutes her bowels liberate into her big-girl undies.  I mean every single time without fail.  She poops in her pants.  And it is god-awful to have to grasp a turd out of someone’s butt and keep a grip on it (through underwear of course) while trying to maneuver the panties off without spilling or dripping any contents.  It sucks enough with a diaper but actual underwear are way worse to deal with for #2’s.

The worst part is she knows that she is supposed to do it in the toilet and will tell you that it belongs in the toilet.  But when the time to poo comes, she runs off to dump a load in her pants before meekly asking me to wipe her butt.

Bribery isn’t working (cookies, stickers, etc).  Threats aren’t working (you’ll have to wear a diaper again!).  Praise isn’t working (what a big girl!).  I am only hoping that she’ll soon decide it doesn’t feel good to keep turds in her panties but who knows when that will be.  At this point she doesn’t really seem to mind as much as you’d expect.