Memoirs Of J

When I was in elementary school, my report cards contained comments from my teachers such as “courteous and cooperative; good listener.”  But I feel like nobody listens to a word I say.  Basically 90% of people talk at me like I am a trash receptacle for their stories that I’ve without a doubt heard countless times over already.  Even strangers I somehow, inexplicably, end up in conversation with talk, talk, talk and I can’t get a word in edgewise.  And people wonder why I am “shy.”  It’s not shyness, dipshits, it’s because I gave up long ago after learning no one is interested in anything I say and are, instead,  just looking for someone to talk at, and since I am generally a quiet person  I fit the bill.  They like it when I ask questions about their stories or them, etc., as a good little listener will do, but there’s no reciprocation.  And when I do attempt to say something, I can tell all they’re doing is formulating what they’re going to say next, rather than actually listening.  Sometimes they actually interrupt me, which infuriates me.  So that’s why I am so quiet, ladies and gents, the secret is out.  It’s not a conversation if it is one-sided, which seems to be the case almost always.  I don’ t know why this is bothering me so much right now… I suppose lack of sleep since it’s been, oh, literally 2 months since I’ve had anything remotely close to a decent sleep and am just running on fumes at this point.  I have no patience, no contentment, no real feelings whatsoever.  I have barely left the house.  I feel like a zombie just going through the same motions day after day.  I had a dream last night (at some point during the one of three total hours I actually slept last night) that I was hanging off the edge of a cliff and everyone I know was standing nearby socializing and chatting with each other, totally oblivious that I was about to plunge over.  I mean, fuck, nobody will even read this.  This is exactly what I mean – who gives a shit.  A very small minority, I can tell you that.