Memoirs Of J

Well, it’s been too long again.  I’m bad – what can I say.  The only times I feel like writing or that I actually – I don’t know – have a topic, it is approximately 2am and I am enveloped in an unrelenting insomnia.  That and three fluffy actual blankets and it is too cold to drag my ass out of bed.

So…  updates.  Yeah.  I’m still in martial arts.  Orange belt now and looking to advance to green by month end, which will mean moving to the intermediate class and getting more sparring opportunity.  That will be fun.  I’m glad I decided to do this.  Yeah it’s a little expensive, a little time consuming, but something I’ve always really wanted to do but was always too… scared to do for some reason.

Scared of martial arts, specifically?  Oh no, no.  Scared of doing essentially anything.  Never in my life have I felt I could/should participate in a sport or any other activity in which I was remotely interested.  Doubts of ability, social acceptance, assuming I’d make a fool of self, and a myriad other ridiculous thoughts.  I mean, sure, some of my doubts were most likely true but I’ve missed out.  Quit band, played like one softball game, wanted to play basketball, run track, tennis, soccer, anything, but didn’t. And this continues to plague me today.  Only now I can admit it isn’t ability I’m lacking, most of the time.  Instead, it’s the lack of social acceptance that keeps me away.  Sadly, I still struggle to get over this.

I’ve been reading a lot online lately (mostly reddit, don’t judge) and I cannot decipher if it’s my doubts that created and now perpetuate a negative cycle or that if my doubts are the result of – um – I’ll just call it “the issue,” and that I’m justified, but  allow it to feed the cycle.  I don’t know.

Someone at work crop-dusted our hall today. Sitting in my cube minding my own business, I detect a slight odor wafting, precariously, by my nose. The odor only strengthens with the unmistakable mark of fresh shit tinged with a faint hint of sweat. Someone farted in our hall and kept on walking, leaving a lingering trail of wretchedness behind for, I don’t know, I may be exaggerating here, but I’d guesstimate 15 minutes before dissipation.

Why? We are maybe 20 feet from the bathrooms and privacy rooms where you can fart, linger, and not have to worry about killing anyone with your putrid anal expulsions.

I was at McDonald’s a few days ago waiting to order two large iced teas and some mcnuggets. Reason being, the drive-thru at Taco Bell was incredibly slow-moving. We had planned on getting tacos for us and some mcnuggets for the girls since they inexplicably do not eat at Taco Bell. Well after sitting for ages, C suggested I run next door to McD to save time so that I’d actually have time to eat before having to leave for class. I agreed, hopped out, and trotted on over to McD to fetch the drinks and nuggets.

Despite the fact that there were ZERO customers in line inside McD, it was taking ages to receive my order. I got my teas and stood to the side waiting. An asian guy came in and ordered a chicken sandwich. The worker asked “grilled or cripsy?” and the guy just stood there perplexed. “The chicken. Do you want it grilled or crispy? Like breaded or not?” “No, no mayonnaise.” “No I mean do you want the chicken breaded??” “I want chicken. Not hamburger.” “Breading or not?” “Oh, yes yes breading.”

As this spectacle was going down, I was entranced by the new flat-screen displays! They were fancily advertising the deliciousness of the strawberry-banana smoothies. Love those. Problem is, the display just has to show this pink … hole. Literally a pink hole for an advert. It’s an asshole. I don’t know how else to say it. They’ve gone and advertised a tasty smoothie with an anus. A smooth-shaven, not brown anus, but an anus nonetheless.

It has taken me a week to be able to write about this.  Not sure why.  I’m really getting too old for this shit to be happening, but true-to-form, here we go again.  I shouldn’t care about this anymore.  Why should I?  My life is pretty fantastic overall.  But the truth is, I am still affected by it.  I’m super sensitive to this, almost to an irrational level.

Last weekend I went to Target with Julia to pick up a few boring household items.  Laundry soap, check.  A few cleaning supplies, check.  Napkins, check.  Couple of college-aged jackasses commenting on my appearance, check and check!

For fucking real?  Still?  This shit still?  It hadn’t happened in quite some time.  I really truly thought I had progressed beyond the point of being that bad that people actually felt the need to comment on it.

Here’s what happened, in exact detail so you get the full and honest story.

I had just arrived and was near the front of the store still.  Shopping cart and Julia in tow.  It is a Saturday so I’m dressed in very casual clothes – gray cargos, a hoody, all stars.  Well-fitting clothes but nothing fancy or “sexy.”  It is just Target, after all.  My cart contained a box of Gain laundry detergent, a couple bottles of shampoo, and a box of tampons.  Julia and I were exiting the cosmetics row and turning left into the main aisle.  I spot a couple of younger guys walking towards us.  I don’t make eye contact.  This is my natural response to groups of males – look down and get the hell out of there as inconspicuously as possible because guys in groups are brutal.

When I saw them walking towards us, I was just chatting with Julia about school and things like that.  I tried to focus on her more and looked at her rather than ahead, and started veering towards the left to enter another aisle so as to not have to pass them directly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see them looking at us.  They start laughing.  They get closer and the redhead says to the other “EWW dude, I just had the worst visual.”  Both are laughing and talking about visuals.  They’ve each glanced in my direction a few times by now, laughing to each other.

I turn down an aisle as quickly as possible but I guess it was too late to avoid having to be laughed at.  So here I am dwelling on this for the rest of the day.  The rest of the week.  Wondering why, how can I possibly look so hideous that it solicits actual comments and attention. Isn’t being invisible and overlooked enough?  Didn’t think it could be worse than that but at least I sort of accepted it, only to have this happen now as it has happened countless times in my life.

The best part is these guys had maybe 30 seconds of laughter at my expense and went about their lives, probably forgetting the events entirely by the time they exited the store.  And here I am still thinking about it – replaying this in my head – an entire week later.  Sadly, I’ll replay it in my head forever, because that’s what I do.  Why do I allow people to have this kind of power over me?  People I don’t even know, will never see again, don’t care about.  How can this affect me as much as it does?  I guess the bigger question too is, am I seriously that bad visually?  Because I cannot fathom what I’d have to walk by in a public venue to feel compelled to comment on it to others.  I mean yeah I see unattractive people all the time but…that’s pretty much it.  You walk by and that’s literally it.  No commenting, nothing.  So why me?

I dyed my hair today. Well, had my hair dyes is more accurate. It’s way too dark and… Purple. Should be awesome going to work like this and having to have the same conversation 59 times.

“Oh did you dye your hair?”

“Yep”

“I thought so. It’s … Darker.”

“Indeed, good sir/ ma’am. Excellent observational skills.” I’d rather stay the usual course of being completely invisible to the world. I’m only acknowledged when something embarrassing or otherwise negative is going on.

Sigh.

In other news, I graduated to yellow belt in martial arts today. Made the mistake of inviting the fam. It was truly a fiasco. C all pissed off, girls acting like brats, unable to sit. Nobody else’s invitees were this miserable. It was supposed to be a fun and celebratory event, but of course for me had to turn into stress and pressure. So there’s that. More of the same thing I’ve experienced my entire life. A massive inconvenience.

So I started Karate a few weeks ago.  It’s something I didn’t really expect that I’d ever do, though I have always thought it would be awesome.  I didn’t think I had it in me to try it out … alone … story of my life.  Fear of doing things solo has always held me back.  But what happened is this.  I had been doing fitness kickboxing at the Y for a few months and I really loved it.  I started it around the time that work was insanely stressful and I was having difficulty keeping it from affecting my personal well-being.  Kickboxing is a phenomenal workout, and an even better stress reliever. So I signed up and never looked back, and reaped the benefits for several months.

Well a couple of months ago near the end of the last session I was enrolled in, I got word that the class was being discontinued.  Super bummed, I checked the registration site and yep – no sign of another session.  So I emailed the Y to ask specifically what was up.  I got a reply that the instructor was resigning and they didn’t have a backup plan, so yeah.  No more fitness kickboxing.

Well shit.  I *need* this.

So I started googling kickboxing in Lansing.  Mostly came up with actual, real martial arts classes as opposed to strictly fitness / aerobic classes like I had taken prior.  I ended up checking out a couple of dojo’s offerings and after an intro session at the school I’m currently enrolled in, I was hooked.  I loved the fact that I’d be learning actual self defense moves, as well as getting to work out with real people using focus mitts and pads and kickboards.

So here I am, enrolled in basic Karate.  I’m a white belt with one stripe.  This week is stripe testing so if all goes well, I’ll have two stripes this week.  Four stripes means belt advancement (for lower ranks, anyway) so I should be on track to advance to yellow by end of September.

The cool thing is I actually forced myself to go out and do this.  I normally shy away from getting involved in activities alone and where I don’t know anyone else.  I will admit I was pretty nervous and dreadful at first.  Sometimes I don’t feel like going.  But once I’m there and in class, that all changes and I feel like I can do it.  The people in class all seem nice so far.  It’s good to know we’re all on the same path, trying this new thing together so it’s fun.  The instructors are great too.

I guess it’s true that you normally will benefit when you force yourself to leave your comfort zone.  I’m rarely regretful that I did something…  for those few times I do follow through and actually commit and make myself do it.

Ugh, what a fucking week from hell.  I don’t know what the hell my problem is, but I’ve been super depressed and it isn’t cool.  Like not eating, not sleeping depressed 🙁

I spent the week in class for work – a supervisor institute.  While I’m grateful for the training and investment, it’s just so… draining having to interact with all these people I don’t even know.   Shocker – I’m not exactly the type to be overly… or any… participative in a group setting.  I am ultra quiet in groups, don’t really speak out or contribute that much to the entire class.  I do in small groups, but whatever.  So in one activity we were supposed to be coming up with I don’t even remember, but I said a few ideas, things I’ve seen, etc.  And what do you know!  Apparently I am invisible.  The one guy – the self appointed ‘leader’ refused to even look at or acknowledge me during our group discussions.  Then as he was writing shit on the flip chart, he says ‘what about’ blah blah, with ‘blah blah’ equaling the things I had JUST stated!  What the flying fuck.

So there was that.

Then later in the week at the end of class, I made the mistake of asking my former manager if she would be interested in being my mentor.  Clearly she doesn’t want to, but told me to call her.  I’m pretty much not going to call because it was painfully obvious that it’s a no-go.  So now I feel like a complete ass.  Yay.

On the home-front, spent the week alone for the most part.  The girls went to spend the week with their grandparents.  C worked most of the week.  Sports on Tuesday, then Wed-Fri work.  We did fit in a movie on Wednesday, which was nice, and I guess dinner on Tuesday.

Returned to the office on Friday.  Had a decent day, I suppose.  It was fairly quiet.  Still had mad anxiety and regret due to the whole mentoring fiasco from the day before so I ordered a refill of my script for xanax.

That should help.

I have to do a presentation in a couple of weeks for work.  Fabulous.  My *favorite* thing to do.  Strangely, the fact that we have a two-day offsite /overnight is stressing me out more than the presentation itself.  Why?  Pretty sure it is the social expectations that accompany this offsite thing.  One silver lining- alcohol is allowed (and provided!) after business hours.  Maybe, just maybe, that will help coax out the microscopic social butterfly within.

I made the mistake of feeding the tots peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for lunch today.  C gleefully proceeds to peel her bread apart to scoop out the jelly with her fingers.  She spreads the strawberry jelly all over face like war paint and shoots her little brown eyed glares at me when I ask her what the heck she is doing.  I let this go on for about 15 minutes before before giving up on the prospect of her actually ingesting any morsel of food, and start wiping her sticky little fingers while she squirms and yells “nooooo!!” at me.  Once free from this high chair, she runs out of the kitchen squealing something about “bababababaaa” and I start cleaning up.  Not 2 minutes later, she comes back and start pounding on the panty and grunting, which is baby language for “may I please have something to eat.”  So I’m like arraghh oh my god, fine, and give her some peanut butter crackers and tell her to go sit down at the small table.  She obliges and by now my lunch of asparagus and potato wedges are ready.  I sit down and start eating and that little piglet perks up at the sight of my plate – just my plate without even seeing what was on it- and makes a beeline straight for me.  Drops her crackers on the floor and pulverizes them with her feet as she trots her way across the room as fast as she can.  She says “ahmm?  ahmmm?” and looks at me curiously, head cocked to the side.  No way, I tell her, you just had your chance and did nothing but play with your food.  Must not be hungry, eh?  But nope, now she’s sticking her grubby little paws into my asparagus.  What the hell…ok,I think. You can have asparagus.  It’s healthy and I can’t complain.  I let her take a stalk and she sticks it in her mouth, swirls it around a little, then gingerly hands this saliva/ snot covered (yeah, she’s oozing) piece of asparagus back to me.  She ended up doing the same thing with a potato wedge and tried to repeat the process via grunting and pointing at the same food she had just finished oozing on and handing back.