Memoirs Of J

I work with a lot of older people.  Supposedly over 50% of our department (of about 400 people) are people within 5 years of retirement.  So we have a lot of interesting conversations.  I have a lot of religious and political differences with these boomers, but the conversations that amuse me the most are the ones that demonstrate how – I don’t know – intolerant, for lack of a better word, they are about certain things.

For instance, I was in the elevator with a colleague when it stopped at another floor and another older (40’s I’d say) lady entered.  She had tattoos all over her calves and a couple on her shoulder.  Admittedly, showcasing your tattoos in a professional office is a bit tacky and is likely against our dress policy.  But the conversation that ensued was interesting.

Older people feel somehow compelled to comment on the characteristics of others that they don’t agree with.  “Did you see those tattoos!?  I can’t believe she had all those ugly tattoos showing- why would anyone do that?”  Fine, and I’ll grant that in the context of being in a professional work setting.  But the same comments by the same people are made outside of work settings too, which is always funny to me.

“Oh my god – look over there!  Those people are gay!!!  They’re holding hands- look, look!”

“[exasperated gasp] I can’t believe that lady is wearing that!”

“Ugh!  Did you see that guy’s long hair!?”

“I can’t believe  that woman is wearing those shoes to work.”

These are some examples of comments I’ve had the displeasure of hearing.   I mean, come on.  Why can’t people just mind their own damn business?  Why do people – particularly boomers – feel the need to judge or critique every person that walks past?

Enough with the goddamn critiques, already.  Yes, there are gay people.  Get the fuck over it.  People wear what they wear.  There’s nothing you can do about it, and it really has no bearing on your life whatsoever so get over yourself and mind your own business.

Ironically, these are the same people who don’t hesitate to bust out the old ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say…!’ meme.  It’s just great.  I love it.

I was chatting with a colleague yesterday and we somehow ended up on the topic of how she always eats whatever is served (even when she doesn’t like it) when at someone’s house because of the ‘rudeness’ factor. I say this must be a generational thing because everyone who makes this ‘it’s rude not to eat shit, if served to you, when you are a guest’ argument is old and a likely fox-news-watching, misinformed, blissfully ignorant person.

I totally disagree with this concept. From my point of view, who the fuck cares what I personally ingest for dinner? The answer should be nobody, but often it is not. Rather, apparently there are people out there who get offended if they cannot get every person at their table to eat every bit of food prepared. Look, I’m not saying you ask for something special then not eat or try it – that would be rude. But it is not rude to not gobble up every single dish served just because it is there. If a person leaves your table hungry because they personally didn’t like anything served, then guess what – it’s their problem, not yours! Why is this so hard to understand?

It’s possible that people aren’t really getting offended over this sort of thing (I know I wouldn’t be at all offended or really even care in the least if someone didn’t want to eat my dinner). Maybe it’s only that generation who was raised to be ‘polite’ with no thought to whether the actions they ascribe this word to are actually worth worrying about. Maybe it’s just them fearing that they’ll offend someone, when in actuality this is totally false and unfounded.

Who am I kidding… of course there are thousands of babyboomers offended by … well pretty much everything and anything you can think of.  They’re somehow offended.

Who cares… this ‘offended by everything’ concept with the older generation is so amusing to me. I really can’t believe the things they care about. This gives me an idea of what to write about tomorrow – stay tuned.

I found myself almost –almost – kissing some  ass  at work today.  Now, I’ve got a long history of scoffing at the ass-kissers, sycophants, obsequious fools…whatever you want to call them and I’m not about to just abandon that.  I like scoffing too much and it amuses me to laugh at people, primarily 23-year-old newbies groveling at management’s feet, lips secured tightly to ass.  So I guess groveling at ass, not feet.  ‘Groveling at feet’ is obviously a euphemism.  The lips attached to ass is sadly only a very slight exaggeration of reality.

So anyway, our department is going through this ‘sourcing’ initiative as we speak, and by that I of course mean outsourcing work to India.  We are told we have plenty of work to keep everyone employed, which I suppose is really all I actually care about in regards to my job.  I’m not hugely worried about the prospect of layoffs, especially after a chat I had a few weeks ago with our department head, then today with my own supervisor.  But you can never be too cautious, so I’ve been taking extra care to get my name out there (ie, in front of managers / execs who don’t already know me) in a positive light.

I volunteered to work in a community service tent for our department picnic.  Not really my bag considering my generally unsocial disposition, but execs seeing my name attached to this sort of thing shows I’m  ‘energized and engaged’ or whatever.  Well today was a party to celebrate the success of the picnic where we could chat with the execs and eat cake.

I gotta say I was quite proud of my performance today.  All chatty and outgoing and so … unlike me.  I wonder when I developed this ability because I really never had it before.  It must just naturally appear after so long working in an office.

Here’s a handful of things I find so utterly annoying that I decided to…um..write a blog about it.  Because what else could I do?  Come on…

When a guy calls another guy “brah” (aka, bra or bruh).

Why?  Because you have to be saturated in douche to actually allow yourself to utter this pet name.  “Bro” is ok* since it is short for brother, which in my humble opinion is not a douche thing to call someone.  But white dudes from the midwest calling other white dudes from the midwest ‘bra’?  Please stop.

*As long as it is said only once per interaction / conversation.

When people make statements totally incongruous to their situation.

Why?  Because it is induces confusion headaches.  Today I was chatting with a lady who is a heavy smoker.  Not sure if you would classify her as a chain smoker because I don’t know what the technical definition of that is.  She smokes a lot though-  several ciggies during the course of a work day.  So anyway, she was telling me how there were spiders in her office and she grabbed some wasp spray and sprayed it all over in hopes of killing the spiders.  She then said “I hope I don’t get cancer from all this spray.”  I hope she was being facetious.

When people post 50,000 music videos from youtube on facebook.

Why?  Because it fills my entire feed.  You blast out 10 videos in a row and a song is about 4 minutes on average, right?  So who is going to sit there for 40 minutes watching the videos you so painstakingly shared?  Nobody!  Nobody watches any video you post, music or otherwise!  Oh, and your taste in music sucks.

Mosquitoes.

Why?  Because who doesn’t find them irritating, and they’re especially abundant this evening.  They’re even coming into my house.  I’ll probably have to wear repellant to bed to avoid being eaten.  Even the dogs are being devoured by mosquitoes.

For someone who cringes at the concept of expectations presented by pretty much anyone, I seem to easily fall into little traps regularly.

While at a meeting today, our new leader had a meet-and-greet of sorts with all of us and went over his expectations for our team.  I’m not saying his expectations were unusual or unreasonable in any way.  That’s not the point.  It just got me thinking about how masochistic is it to have any expectations of anyone for anything whatsoever.  You’ll invariably end up disappointed and jaded.

I learned long ago to avoid having expectations after being bitten in the ass countless times by people not fulfilling said expectations.  So of course I do not make a habit of expecting really anything other than from the petite handful of trusted people who’ve somehow never let me down.

But here’s the thing; you should be able to expect people to keep to their word, so I never really looked at ‘people keeping their word’ as much as an expectation but more of a given.  I mean, why would people explicitly tell you they will do something and not follow through?  It makes no sense.  If I have any doubts on whether I will do something, I’m not going to commit to doing it, thereby eliminating the need for others to have an expectation of me.  You create an expectation by committing.

I’ve recently fallen into this trap of taking people’s word for something, only to have the exact opposite occur later.  I think my new rule will be no more taking for granted that people do what they say.  The only thing I’m  going to expect is to be disappointed.  That way, the actual outcome can only improve.

Yesterday at dinner, Julia told me that her apples were too hot.  The conversation went something  like this….

Me:  Julia, eat your apples please.

J:  Oh no!

Me:  You need to eat and these are good [I take a bite].  See?  Yum!

J:  It’s hot!

Me:  What?

J:  No!  It’s hot! [Tosses an apple slice across the table]

These were normal sliced apples.  Not baked apples or anything like that.  If anything they were slightly chilled.  This kid is evidently not talented in the excuse-making realm yet, which I suppose is a good thing.

Also recently, we’ve been working on colors, body part names, and so forth.  J was sitting on my lap when I asked her what color is mommy’s hair.  She tilted her head inquisitively, then pointed to my part and exclaimed “that’s gray!”  I immediately assumed Curtis had something to do with teaching her to say that; an accusation he promptly denied (while laughing hysterically).  It turns out everyone’s hair is ‘gray’ right now including her own (according to her), but still… I gasped when she effectively called me an old hag.

So I’m a slacker… it’s been nearly a month since I’ve updated.  I have no excuse other than the fact that I am boring.   I almost had my writing knack back (the one where you rhyme everything I guess) too but then I slipped back into taking my zoloft.  Yay.  These pills basically numb me to the point that I don’t really feel much of anything.  No anxiety or sadness for no reason which is definitely nice, but it also seems to kill any positive feelings as well.  And creativity.  I was just thinking today about all of the oh-so-droll fake news stories I used to write back in the day, along with short stories or even a freaking blog every few days.  Now?  Nothing… I sometimes feel like I’m just this shell of a person going  through the motions.  As a result of not wanting to feel like a zombie anymore, I started weaning myself off of these pills several weeks ago.  I started taking 1/2 pill instead of a whole, then after awhile I took 1/2 only every other day instead of every day.  It seemed to be working too.  I had all these ideas in my head for what to write about,  started to really enjoy reading again  (I’ve had a short attention span as of late and get bored easily), and most importantly started feeling – just feeling.  Then of course – true to form – I get slammed back into reality just when everything seems to be going along smoothly, with no real worries.  Don’t want to get into why now, so long story short I started taking these damn pills again and now it’s back to being a husk.  I suppose one positive side-effect though is anxiety completely kills my appetite, and I’ve been looking to shed a few pounds so there’s a window of opportunity…

I think I figured out what’s wrong with ‘conservatives’ (I use that term synonymously with republican for purposes of this post) – they think they’re better than everyone else and that their way of life is superior to all others.  Not a Christian?  Well you need to convert because that’s the only correct way.  Their opinions are rooted in their religious belief, yet the feel the need to smother the rest of us with their ‘correct’ views.  Conservatives are on the offensive, and liberals, like myself, are on the defensive.  They tout freedom and liberty,  and small government principles.  However, they have no qualms with growing the government for the purpose of enforcing and legislating their beliefs and ‘morality.’

Well, wait a minute here.  As a liberal, I don’t want to push any beliefs on anyone.  For example, it’s none of my business if homosexuals want to marry – it’s their life.  My view of what makes a good family really doesn’t matter to anyone but me.  Conservatives are ramming their take on proper ‘family values’ down the throats of everyone else in the county, a one-size-fits-all, theocratic, white, 50’s throwback.  If that’s your value, great.  Live your life like that.  Make your wife submissive, keep her home cleaning and raising your kids.  Drag your family to church every Sunday where you’ll judge everyone else and make small talk and meet your mistress who you’ll fuck in your self-righteous bed when your wife is at the kid’s soccer game while you ‘catch up on work.’

But don’t sanctimoniously rally for legislating your superior morality and ‘Christian principles’ because we’re not all  like you.  It’s totally incongruous to tout freedom and liberty and keeping government small in one breath, then cling to your disgusting social views.  Not even  cling to them exactly – but try to hold yours up on a pedestal while decrying the way others see fit to live their own lives.

So that is the difference.  We as liberals are simply fighting to defend the individual’s right to his or her own pursuit of happiness, including sexuality and what a person chooses to do with her own body.  Conservatives are fighting to preserve their own ways and prevent you from having your way.  But our preferences and lifestyles as humans aren’t mutually exclusive… You just have to have the ability to accept that and worry about yourself.

While sitting at a stop light today on my way to Kroger, I observed a car full of teen girls laughing at and (apparently) taunting an older guy in the car next to them.  They were clearly laughing and pointing / beckoning.  Granted, the dude looked like he was picking his nose, but still…

Whenever I see this sort of thing I get this sickening feeling of … I don’t know how to describe it.  Dread and anxiety I guess, plus a total lack of confidence.  It swiftly and violently takes me back to that abyss of misery when I was that age and was constantly harassed and laughed at by ‘popular’ peers – peers who were ‘cool’ when making fun of others – and I hate that it still affects me this way.

Worse, I don’t feel at all vindicated knowing that most of the people who harassed me are now largely uneducated, obese, and working a mcjob®.  Some aren’t (look, I’ll admit it.  I have stalked people on facebook), but most don’t have a Bachelors degree, let alone a Masters.  It’s just got this fucking death grip on my psyche that I can’t seem to shake no matter what I do.  Despite my academic achievements, great job, awesome husband and lovely little girl, fantastic family and friends, and the aide of zoloft, I am still afflicted by this bullshit.  Not all the time, but enough that it bothers me.  I should be able to rationally and logically stop this, but can’t.  It’s funny how emotions are the dominating force in most people, even over thought and rationality.  And I’m not just saying that based on my personal experience.  There’s broader evidence such as religious belief but … that’s all a subject for another day since it’s getting late and I’m tired.

Today it occurred to me that not only did I never attend a school dance (middle or high school) other than prom, I also never attended a football game.  Do I like dances or football?  No, but that’s not the point.  The point is I completely missed out on any normal high school experience, all because I was / am hideous and looked like, to quote someone, “dog shit.”

So there you have it.  This is what happens when I attempt to abandon my zoloft.

PS – I am not exaggerating.  It is a fact that I attended zero games and zero dances, other than prom which only happened because a friend felt sorry for me and asked me to go with him.