Memoirs Of J

Tonight, I found out what happens when you overcook bacon…

Sometimes breakfast for dinner just sounds good, and that’s what we decided to do tonight.  We had a half pack of bacon to use up, and I decided to make some Belgian waffles with blueberries.  So I put the pan on the burner and turned it to medium, arranged the bacon strips in the pan, and started preparing the waffle mix.

After having the mix ready to go and the waffle iron hot, I checked on the bacon.  It seemed to be cooking rather slowly.  I flipped each piece, turned the burner up just a tad higher, then went back to the other counter to start the waffles.

It only takes about 4 minutes for a waffle to cook.  When the first one was done, I removed it and checked the bacon again – still not quite done so I flipped it again.  In the meantime, J was in the other room screeching and crying, tears and snots running down her face all for no evident reason.  So by this time I’m a  bit flustered with her antics while trying to prepare dinner.  I knew she was hungry so I took 1/4 of the waffle I had just made and cut it up for her, along with several strawberries and delivered her plate so she could start eating.

I got her settled and eating, then went back to the kitchen to make our waffles.  But first – the bacon.  I went to the pan to remove and drain it and… SHIT!  It’s black.  I quickly grabbed the tongs and started fishing around in the pan to see if any of it was salvageable.  It was not.  Not only was it beyond black, when I grasped it with the tongs it actually liquefied!  I’ve never seen anything like this.  I totally expected it to be crisp and brittle – inedible still, but hard as a rock.

Nope!  It actually turned into a black, gelatinous blob of smelly pig fat.

I let it cool in the pan for a couple of hours then poured the mass into the garage trash bin.  Of course this whole ordeal filled the house with acrid smoke.  It still smells in here and probably will for the next couple of days.

I just saw the most annoying, irritating, cringe-inducing commercial ever broadcast in history.  No hyperbole here – it is THE worst I’ve seen to date.  If you asked me to write some commercials that would make me squirm in anger and disdain, this one would have been on my list.  Probably #3 on my list…

It’s for Listerine- that new commercial where people are loudly swishing the liquid in their mouths to the tune of Tchaikovsky’s (yes,  had to look up the spelling) 1812 Overture.  Holy shit…  I hate hearing liquids, solids, liquefied solids,  crunching, slurping, and pretty much any other repulsive mouth noise you can think of coming from anyone.  Ever.

I will not be purchasing any Listerine product until this disgusting  swishing noise leaves my mind, which very well may be never.

This weekend was busy and filled with lots of fun stuff!

On Saturday afternoon, we took J to the Country Mill orchard and cider mill.  They had goats, ducks, ponies, and chickens that J enjoyed quacking at.  She seems to call all animals “quack quack” so… yeah.  And she didn’t think the goats were all that great even though they were letting people pet them.  She liked the fowl.  We let her run around and play a little bit in the straw, then she went on the swing which she loved.

After she was sufficiently worn out, we went in the mill – it smelled fantastic in there.  Cider, donuts… yum.  We ended up getting a gallon of cider, six donuts, a container of apple cheese spread (it tastes better than it sounds), and a bottle of cherry apple wine.  They had a wine tasting counter where you could sample the three wines they make right on site – it was only $2 and you got to keep the glass so we did it.  We paid for all our stuff and went back outside to pick out pumpkins.  J loved the pumpkins and picked a small one.  So we bought two pumpkins – hers and mine, and we’ll carve them soon.

After leaving the mill, we went home to watch the MSU vs. UofM game where we enjoyed a Spartan Victory!!  We had some cheese bread from Happy’s, which was actually delicious.  Their pizza is disgusting, but the bread – yum!

Finally (for Saturday), me and a couple of friends had an evening planned at the Slaughterhouse – a haunted attraction in Fowlerville.  They put on a haunted maze, haunted hayride, and haunted barn.  Feeling a little apprehensive, we chugged some wine in the car after finding a parking spot, working up a nice buzz.  We decided we’d work our way up to the scariest thing, so would do the hayride first.  It was fun!  Not very scary -there were a couple of startlings with characters jumping up on the tractor, but mostly it was just props in the woods.  They had  a big space ship, which was … unique.

After hopping off the tractor, we went right into the corn maze.  The entrance to it was right there and there was no line at all, unlike the hayride which was maybe 30 minutes.  I was completely freaked.  The first thing you do when entering is squeeze your way through this vagina-like opening in a small shed.  Weird… then you get out and and it’s so quiet and eerie.  All you can see is corn stalks, and it was dark so we couldn’t even  see them very well.  There were lots of scares in the corn – guys jumping out and following us, little dark buildings to go through, a bridge that looked (and sounded) like a log saw.

So the maze was actually a lot of fun.  I think I was most afraid of it because I thought since it was a maze, we’d get lost and keep getting followed by freaky guys with chainsaws or something but there was really only one part of the maze where you got turned around a little.  And that part did have freaky guys with chainsaws at both paths… so we basically were shitting our pants.

We survived though and stumbled out of the corn field, on our way to the barn for the last haunt.  We waited in line for maybe 20 minutes before getting up to the front where the staff person asked us if we would mind going with the group of three behind us.  We said we didn’t want to – it’s just not as good when you have more people, and we didn’t know these people so why would we want that?  We paid $30 to do all three and wanted our frights!  She let us go alone, despite the griping from the fat chicks behind us about “waiting 6 hours” which we found retarded – yeah nice hyperbole, dorks.  If you’re next in line you have like 5 minutes.  No big deal.

The haunted barn was awesome though – right upon entering they had one of those black-light tunnels that makes you feel like you are spinning and unable to walk.  Unlike other haunted houses I’ve been to that just have you walk through a dark hallway with people dressed in black jumping out and loud bangs occasionally, this one had rooms with themes.  Right away you met satan and had to sign away your soul and put it in a bucket – of course the bucket flung open with a guy jumping out.

I don’t remember all the rooms, but one that really stood out was the movie room.  You enter a room with a tv and a couple of chairs, and a scary guy.  He tells you it’s time to watch a movie and made us sit down.  Well The Ring starts playing and we’re all screaming because that is hands-down the creepiest movie ever.  Then the tv bursts open with that long-haired girl from The Ring crawling out, strobe lights going, and next thing you know she’s right at our chair hovering.  OOh it was scary!  I think I lost my voice in this room.

The other really memorable room was the room that inflated –  we called it another vagina room.  You go in and the plastic walls just start filling with air, squeezing in.  You have to push and struggle your way through – it was intense.  I’m pretty sure we all have bruises from grabbing each other so hard.  Of course at the very end when you finally step outside again, a couple of guys in hockey masks casually step out then chase you with their chain saws.

Exhilarating…  I love haunted houses and I love this time of year!

I have Halloween on the mind!  That’s the only thing about the month of October that keeps me from being utterly depressed over the cold weather.  There are a few things I have planned for this season.

A few of us are going to The Slaughterhouse this weekend for the haunted barn, haunted corn maze, and haunted hayride.  I’m worried that I will piss myself in the haunted barn part.  But I do love my haunts… that’s what makes me look forward to this time of year every year, and it brings back a lot of really fun memories from past Halloweens!

Another event I’m anticipating is the new Saw movie.  I saw a preview the other day and it said the movie is in 3D!  Should be sweet – I can’t wait.  Not sure when it opens, but it’s a definite must-see asap.

I haven’t decided if I’ll pass out candy this year.  We have the past couple of years, but  now with J it may be hard to do, especially if I decide to take her trick-or-treating or something else.  We’ll see… I do enjoy seeing all the dressed up kids, particularly the teenagers.  I find the teens funny and usually give them extra candy.

J is probably going to be a hershey kiss a la a hand-me-down costume from my mom, who had it for the girls when they were young.  I considered an Elmo costume because the kid is so obsessed with that thing, but the only costume I found was $30, and I’m  not about to spend $30 on a toddler’s costume so….

Ugh… I’m a bit stressed out over work.  With this reorg we just went through, my new team has SO much work.  It’s a good thing to be busy, no doubt, but it’s still overwhelming knowing how much we need to get done by the end of this year.  And we don’t have all the necessary background / skills on our new team, so … that’s the scary part.    And it’s all important, high profile stuff – rates, regulatory mandates, that sort of thing.  So with that stuff, a deadline is non-negotiable.  You HAVE to meet the deadline.  I’m just a little afraid I might be in  over my head, but the good thing is our team lead is awesome, knowledgeable, and reasonable.  I’ve inherited basically three full-time jobs due to the way this reorg turned out and what people fell to which teams… just not sure how I’m going to accomplish everything, but  I guess you just do what you can do.  No worries… just a little stress 😉

Despite having the same close friends for several years now, I’ve never been able to convince them of the legitimacy of my self-esteem “problems.”  I put that in quotes because I don’t see it as a problem – it’s just a fact for me.  My friends think it is a figment of my imagination, and that I may actually be delusional.  Fear not, I am not deluded.  Here’s one of the many background stories to help explain where I’m  coming from.  Yes, it is pathetic that 23 years later I’m  still hung up on some of these events, but it doesn’t invalidate their effects nevertheless.

When I was in 4th grade, I was having a pretty rough time.  New school, leaving all my friends, and parents divorcing is enough stress on anyone, especially a young child.  But for me, these things were just the beginning of my problems.  Kind of like the nibble before the appetizer before the main meal.  ‘How can it be worse and more overwhelming than that?’, you may wonder.

Well, right off the bat in my new school I wasn’t very popular.  I wasn’t used to this, coming from a school where I was friends with everyone in my class and wasn’t particularly shy about approaching other kids.  But here it was different – the kids were already in cliques, even at such a young age.  And I guess I didn’t have what it takes to be part of a clique.  So what happened is I sat alone at lunch, didn’t have anyone to partner with for grouping  tasks in the classroom (until the teacher paired the lone rejects left out by everyone else), and sat alone on the gym equipment at recess desperately longing for the bell to ring and for the loneliness to be over.

Sure, loneliness and not having anyone to hang out with is bad, but it isn’t that bad to destroy your self-image and set you up for shaken self-confidence well into your adult life.  No, it takes a bit more than that.  Sadly, I have more.

Where to start…  how about when the girls sitting behind me would laugh to each other about how “Jenny has bugs in her hair.”  I didn’t have bugs in my hair of course, but how do you react to something like that?  How about the time when it was my turn to bring in birthday desserts and the same clique didn’t want to eat them because “Jenny touched them and she’s gross.”

Oh and here’s my favorite.  How about the time on the bus for a field trip, driving by a farm / pasture in the spring (yep, a very strong manure odor) and the same girls exclaiming “EEEW Jenny, close your legs!”

I still remember the worst offender’s names – Susie, Leah, and Molly.  Fucking bitches who had nothing better to do than terrorize a new kid in the class.  I wonder what they’re doing now?  Probably nothing impressive.  I’d be surprised if any of them actually went to college.

But Fuck Them.  Why have these three little skanks affected my life so as to destroy my confidence, making me always question myself and the motives of others.  Honestly, it’s only recently (within the last few years) improved so that I am not completely overrun by the damage done.  I’m still overrun, just not completely.  There’s always something there disintegrating my confidence and self-esteem in some way.   Still, even now.  And that tiny something  still has a butterfly effect on every aspect of my life – my college experience, my job, everything.

I don’t think I’ll ever go to a Kohl’s on a Saturday afternoon again.  I should have known to turn around and go home when some lady almost broad-sided me in the parking lot when I pulled in (I had the right-of-way; she was cutting across parking spots, not driving in a lane at all).

I found a parking spot anyway, intent on finding a new duvet cover.  Julia gleefully tossed her Elmo out the door and right into a water puddle when I opened the back door to get her out.  Inside it was packed and there were oblivious people everywhere.  There was a gaggle of obese high school aged girls flapping around a jewelry display in the middle of the main aisle.  They were completely clueless and taking up the entire aisle so that no one could pass.

I cut into Junior’s to go around, but of course I had the cart thing, which is almost too wide to go down the rows in any section of the store.  Julia happily pulled items off the shelves, yelling “hi!” to every person she saw.

Then I didn’t even find a duvet for less than $100, and I didn’t really like any of the designs anyway.  I did find a shirt for me, a pumpkin spice Yankee candle (whoo!), and an outfit for J.  I went to check out and stupidly picked the first lane I came to.  There was a lady completing her transaction and a redneck-ish couple in line in front of me, but that was it.

Apparently the register’s tape jammed and the receipt didn’t come out, but the lady absolutely needed her gift receipts so it held up the line.  All of the other lanes had long lines as well, so I figured I’d wait – no big deal.  It can’t take more than a couple of minutes.  A manager was called over, and she messed with the tape for about 5 minutes.

The rednecks were getting restless.  The woman was glaring, muttering under her breath, and crossing her arms.  The man was calming her, and I was just trying not to stare too much at his gray teeth.  Well, the teeth he had I should say, which was about five.  And they were ALL gray.  Apparently, someone doesn’t have a dental plan…

Ten minutes passed and J was getting antsy because she was tired and hungry.  Then the cashier announced that she needed to close the lane and move to another, while asking the cashier directly next to her to take the redneck couple since they had been waiting so long.  Everyone else behind me quickly filtered into her new lane, leaving me stuck at the end of another line.

Fuck.  And this line had the slowest-moving woman I’ve ever seen.  A sloth seriously would have bagged my four items faster than this woman.

Tonight’s episode of 30 Rock  was called ‘when it rains it pours,’ and hey, what a coincidence because today we found out that the colloquialism applies to us having to spend lots of money.

First, we had (have) the window replacement project.  About $7,500…ouch.  But it was necessary, so what can you do.  Related to that is the skylights.  We have a skylight in each bathroom, and both are old, leaking, and all around in poor condition.  That is running us about another $2,200.  Again, necessary.

Then today, C calls from downstairs, “come down here – we have a problem!”  So I went down to the basement and followed him around the corner, ending up at a huge puddle surrounding the hot water heater.  Uh oh…

Upon inspection, we saw it was leaking from the bottom of the tank and had rust around the whole bottom – obviously in need of replacement.  Not surprising since it is the original water heater, so 20+ years old.  So we took a trip up to Menard’s and bought a new water heater.  It wasn’t extremely expensive – a few hundred dollars instead of a few thousand – but we still need to get a plumber to come out and install it for us.  And everyone knows that plumbers ass rape you.  Yeah, don’t leave hate comments.  I know plumbers are skilled, know the code, and all that, but still – it’s expensive as hell to hire one @ like $200/hour.

good ol' fashioned ass pillage!

You’ve probably heard of the “freshman 15,” right?  It’s a stereotype about what typically happens in a kid’s first year of college – they gain weight due to the availability of food, late night pizzas, sodas, and all that scrumptious stuff.

Well when I was a freshman in college (yeah, way back then in ’96 – shut up, I’m old now), I didn’t  gain 15.  I didn’t even  gain 5.  I lost about 20 or more!

It wasn’t anything intentional.  I was an average weight (I mean normal for my height – not average as in “average obese American”) going in and didn’t have any problems or image issues about weight at all.  It was literally something I never gave a thought to.

I think it was a combination of all the walking on MSU’s sprawling campus, coupled with the fact that I rarely ate breakfast, was often too busy for much of a lunch, and picked at the cafeteria “food” at dinner.  I didn’t avoid junk foods, and was effectively addicted to Mountain Dew.  I was admittedly underweight and it continued for my entire college tenure.

I didn’t work out, ate …one could say, poorly (chips, fast food, soda, pop tarts, etc), yet couldn’t gain an  ounce to save my life.  Really – friends, family, and other acquaintances would accuse me of being anorexic – I never was – and tried to shove donuts or other treats at me,  which I would happily devour.  Nothing ever happened.  I just chalked it up to luck and a fast metabolism and went about with my habits.

Well fast forward to now… UGH.  I’m not fat, don’t get me wrong.  I would not let that happen.  I’m in the “normal” range for my height now.  But I do need to limit my sweets.  I restrict myself from having coke or mt dew except for on occasion, much to my dismay because I unfortunately love soda, especially those two kinds.  I have to get a work out in, ideally every day just to maintain my current weight.  The problem is I would like to lose a few pounds and get toned.  But I hate restricting myself, and I have a hard time finding time to work out these days since I need to wait until J is in bed for the night, and  by then I am pretty exhausted.

I blame the desk job.  When I began working as a cube jockey after college is when I actually started putting on a few pounds.  These days, I try to get out and at least take a walk or something during breaks, but it is tough.  I’m not seeing much improvement, and it’s not like I really eat that much that I could reduce food intake.  I’d be starving!  Desk jobs guarantee an expanding ass.   No doubt about it…

So I guess they were right about enjoying being able to eat whatever I wanted at a young age.  I scoffed at the time, but yeah… I’m finding that they were correct, and it does actually start catching up with you.

I have no idea why I thought of this today, but here goes.  When I was in 2nd grade at St. Joe’s, I had a classmate named Maggie.  Maggie was I’d say an average classmate – not really one very memorable, pretty quiet (much like myself), a little chunky.  She was nice enough…  I mean all the girls that age invite all the other girls from class to their birthday parties and such.  So you could say she was a friend, even.

One day when we were all lined up in front of the blackboard waiting for recess (or maybe it was lunch or church; I don’t recall exactly).  I was a rather quiet kid, and normally didn’t make a lot of ruckus in class, so naturally I stood quietly in line reading the map of the world.  I remember looking at Africa, Niger specifically, thinking it was the same as “nigger” and wondering why our map had swear words.  I vacillated over whether I should mention it to the teacher so she could remove it, or keep it a dirty secret for only myself to know.  Aah to be 8 and so naive…

Anyway, back to the story.  Suddenly Maggie, standing a few kids back from me,  farted loudly.  Everyone heard the unmistakable PFFFFTTT come from Maggie’s rear.  Even in the dim light, you could see the redness creep up her face as her eyes darted around embarrassingly.  She glanced desperately at the teacher, Mrs. Van Dam, as nearly all of the other kids laughed while several boys exclaimed “she FARTED – can you believe she FARTED??!!  EEEEWWWW!”

When Mrs. Van Dam finally quashed the uncontrollable giggle-fest that invariably happens when anything fart related happens in a group of 8-year-olds,  she reprimanded the class.  Her explanation is the best part though.  Instead of talking about how it is a natural bodily function, everyone does it or something to that effect, she opted to tell everyone that Maggie had some sort of disorder that causes her to “pass gas” involuntarily and that we should ignore it.  What the hell?  Seriously?  I’ve never heard of “involuntary fart disease.”

So the memory of this event has randomly popped into my mind for years…that’s how big of an impression this ‘involuntary fart disease’ lecture made on me.  I just can’t get it out of my mind now.